Benjamin David Janke

January 12, 1981 – Still alive, limping through life like a wounded pigeon

Currently resides in St. Paul, Minnesota, working on computational fluid dynamics trout autopan logarithm sequential gestation.

Benjamin David Janke was born on January 12, 1981 to his parents, Bruce “The Moose” Janke and Bensmom. He was born in Columbia, Missouri, which has been cited as a possible reason he is a worthless do-nothing who needs a week off to move.

In 1984, Ben’s family moved to Brookings, South Dakota [citation needed]. Here he began the hobbies that have persisted to the present day, such a play soccer, eating, and most importantly, avoiding girls at all costs [See The Ben Principles).

At some point during the 4th grade, Ben’s family moved to the sprawling metropolis of Ames, Iowa, where his life began. Here he attended Fellows, which for you who aren’t familiar with Ames, is the school largely for bratty Northridge kids, whose parents are professors and/or orthopedic doctors but somehow manage to grow up humble and grounded and not inexplicably jaded smartasses with no faith in humanity.

Most importantly he would make new friends, including Andrew Williamson Buck, Jess and several token Asians. Recesses were spent playing two-hand touch Nerf football. It was also in elementary school Ben picked up his musical instrument of choice, the clarinet, under the direction of Mr. Nehls, who is a fucking badass and could probably even now stomp you out like the flaming bag of shit you are.

After slumming it out in half of a duplex, Ben’s family upgraded to the ghetto side of Northridge by the power lines and transformer station. This was before the great Northridge Girl Influx of 1992. Out of pity, he was grudgingly accepted by his peers, who were perturbed at his parents’ peculiar parenting proclivities, such as an expressed preference for Flavorite brand foodstuff and an insistence that he refrain from using Satanic Magic: The Gathering cards and . No Unholy Strength for Ben.

Afternoons were spent at leisure, playing Secret of Mana and building RPG Hypercard stacks to the sounds of Genesis, Green Day, Ace of Base, and MC Hammer. Sadly, it was a childhood legitimately destined to quit.

Ben was on the Blue Team, since he was not popular enough to be on the Green Team. At this point in time it was still mildly acceptable to not be into girls, a trait ben carries to this day.

During the LC III era (4/160) ben would learn a lot about keeping his System Folder trim and neat, while developing icon-making and programming talents through many hours spent trying to produce some kind of game with hypercard. Little did he know, these talents would later come in handy during grad school, when he would become part code-monkey, part slacker, and part icon artist.

As a Bolo player, Ben would typically forgo building a fortified island base with pillboxes, instead choosing to strike chaotically, often with suicidal tendencies, a precursor to modern day Iraqi insurgents.

After graduating from that shithole that was Ames Middle School , Ben progressed on to Ames High School, where he dutifully studied a lot and got good grades.

Band

Ran cross-country (to make sure he would be able to run away from Jill).

Soccer [I think]

Regrettably, not a damn thing. Dammit Ben, way to go.

After graduating from that numbingly enjoyable experience that was Ames High School, Ben progressed on to Iowa State University, where he dutifully studied a lot and got good grades.

He was in band for a while [someone expand on this plz].

After graduating from Ames High School 2, Ben progressed on to the University of Minnesota, where he dutifully studies a lot and gets good grades and I guess wrote a thesis in a vain attempt to catch up to Ross.

Now he is working on his Ph. D. in thermal enhancement of stormwater effluent from urbanological environs and the associated impact on macroinvertebrae and salmonidae in limnological riparian and lacustrine geomorphological habitatual locales, which apparently involves sleeping in, napping, drinking beer, playing soccer, watching soccer, ice fishing, being poor as fuck, and continuing to avoid girls.

Ben also continues to play bass clarinet in an attempt to prove he is not completely worthless, although with a real job he could probably afford an instrument instead of having to rent one. He currently resides in St. Paul with Brian, who is like Ben but good at video games and has hair.

The Captain

Detective Scuttles (the Crustacean Crime Solver!)

Scuttles (the Lobster)

Tubby Lobster

Sleeping Lobster 2

Ben is a Commie

The Penguin

Penguin Story

Ben is a Hick

Ben exhibits the rare ability to enter oblivion while seemingly in the midst of conversation. He has the uncommon ability to mention topics from retired discussions and believe them to be the current topic. At other times he just plain checks out:

One memorable experience: While Ben was living under the shadows of Wal-Mart and the Hy-vee imposter, Cub Foods, a large group was hanging at the apartment which we’ll call “Ben’s Residence.” After a lengthy period of lethargy, and presumably, beverages, the group decided to leave the apartment for bigger and better scenery (perhaps Thumbs). As shoe were donned, the bizarre sound of splashing water was just barely audible as Ben had apparently determined this was the most opportune time to shower. This also demonstrates Ben’s ability to take showers at extremely random times. [Please contribute to a “Ben takes random showers” page.]

Ben suffers from a genetic predisposition that severely limits the types of food he can successfully digest. Below is an working list of food and beverages sorted by their digestive implications.

Category A: Food and beverage Ben Can Safely Digest

• Saltine cracker, unsalted
• Bread, plain
• Flavorite brand products
• Water
• Milk
• Some teas
• Pepto-Bismol

Category B: Food and beverage that Give Ben the Shits

• Coffee
• Beer
• Hot peppers
• Orange juice
• Meat
• Fruits
• Vegetables
• Legumes
• Sandwiches
• Cookies

Category C: Bunker Busters

• Stir-fry Chinese
• Thai
• Mexican
• Pizza w/Beer

Category D: Shock & Awe

• Indian

Category E: Certain Death

• Physical contact with a girl (purely theoretical, also technically not a food but whatever)

If toilets could speak, the NE Sherman toilet would contend Ben lacks any concept of causality. However, debate exists in scientific circles regarding the exact level of fervor with which Ben punishes his digestive track.

Once a champion eater, Ben famously consumed five slices of Great Plains Sauce & Dough pizza, tip to honey-dipped crust on February 28, 2004. While the feat earned him the right to retire from the world of competitive eating on a cardiac arrest-inducing high, The Captain has since fallen into an unrecoverable pit of despair, nary able to consume a sandwich and a few beers without his anus erupting in a litany of shit like a scatalogical reinterpretation of Martin Luther’s 95 Theses.

One notable glimpse of his former self occured at the Minnesota State Fair on August 26, 2006, when Ben consumed approximately four dozen chocolate chip cookies. Reality soon set in and Ben was fucked up for several weeks like a bird on methamphetamines.

Ben has recently started a Prilosec regiment and has witnessed marginal improvement. He believes his body has since adapted to the drug.

An example of one of ben’s sissy lunches.

Similar to his lust for unattainable female soccer teammates, Ben has a fundamental weakness for chocolate chip cookies. Exemplified by the consumption of a bucket of cookies at the 2006 Minnesota State Fair and subsequent harrowing near-death digestive meltdown, Ben’s voracious appetite for the buttery chocolate snack is not deterred by the threat of intestinal catastrophe.

Assuming a steady supply of homemade chocolate cookies, Ben will consistently consume 5+ units per diem until he has exhausted the supply. This period is known as The Feeding. Inbetween feedings, Ben lowers his standards accordingly and will consume all manners of generic store-bought cookies and even Chips Ahoy to satisfy his insatiable urges.

Ben suffers from chronic narcolepsy, triggered by a variety of factors. These factors include: eating a meal, drinking coffee, not drinking coffee, consuming alcohol, sitting down, waking up, and breathing. This is not to be confused with ben’s tendency to sleep through the morning, although the two are related. For intance, ben may wake up at 10:30AM, then eat, drink coffee and fall asleep at noon.

Due to the sheer volume, these have been moved to benh8

Using advanced computer modeling, here is how scientists predict Ben will look at age 34:

Ben at 65:

Ben's official site, which reads like a dripping faucet